Grief in Waves

Brian Jasper Hull, aka Brian Jeffrey Hull, BJ, bjh, Hullby, the love of my life, dad, papa, daddy,… RIP

For those of you who don’t know yet, I lost my husband last month.

I was touching on mental health in my last writing and depression ended up taking him over. I didn’t realize how powerful it could be and how it can take the joy and life out of someone this fast. It was not his first depressive episode and this seems to have something to do with the rapid progress of the darkness that enveloped my other half.

Here I am in Bordeaux, France, visiting a dear friend Pauline. She is working here and I met up with her yesterday. I didn’t realize it was a four hour drive from where Zora and I live now. It is basically on the other side of us, on the ocean side. You ride through the south west strip that spans along the Pyrenees and between the sea and the ocean. France side as opposed to Spanish side. You have the same thing along the Pyrenees on the Spanish side.

On November 8th and 9th we held a beautiful and sad memorial plus celebration of Brian’s life in Colorado. I have started riding this very strange and unique-seeming wave of grief. After the two month pain of living with someone depressed, the initial shock of death, the trip to Colorado - with Zora and my mom - and ginormous love of our community there things started to slowly melt like snow. Sleeping eleven hours then insomnia, taking Zora to school, taking care of emails and administrative things, still unpacking from our move, working again with my brother and mom. With waves of sadness hitting me sometimes while Zora and I listen to sentimental songs we love, that Brian didn’t even necessarily like.

I have noticed more recently that my sleep affects how much pain and sadness I feel during the day. I have had two nights in the last week of insomnia. Not terrible insomnia, like Brian started having towards the end - he didn’t sleep an hour - but more like three or four hours of sleep for me. That makes me a mess, I cry for ten or fifteen minutes and start again an hour later and cry again for a few minutes. I let it all happen, I don’t fight it, it hurts but my new psychologist in France said it is part of the healing process and important. It let’s out some chemicals and I knew it was good to cry early on in my life so I can let it happen and never feel shame. It is just new to that extend.

Seeing this rocking photo of Brian makes me cry for example. It is from his Ezrah’s Poundcake band days. Thanks to his friend Bill for sharing it with me. Brian was such a fun, wild, original character, it took me twenty six years of living together to realize that he also had that dark side of being serious, sometimes negative and always in his mind. And of course we all have these paradoxes in us.

The Buddhist idea of balance that I learnt from Brian will remain with me forever and I am going to keep making it a priority in anything I do. Keep a balance, not too much of one or the other. The middle path. I learnt so much from him and will keep the good memories to push me through the sadness. I am grateful for all we had together and still do with Zora. Being in the moment and living every day at it’s fullest is also a good reminder to me at the moment. Cherish the people, not the stuff. I have been trying to make that a moto also. Thank you Bill Elder for the reminder at Brian’s eulogies!

Thank you all in Colorado for having showed up one way or another to help me organize Brian’s memorial and celebration of life! You all uplifted me by showing up. I didn’t feel tired or too much of a mess because I was uplifted by y’all’s love. I am sure some of what I am experiencing right now is the crash and off set of that. So I am grateful here to have many friends and family members who give me - in smaller doses - such love and energy to heal. Like being in Bordeaux with Pauline this weekend.

Here are some of the suggestions you have made that help and that I will work on seriously: walk - with Archie of course at least, play tennis, weave, knit again - I have not knit in a while so a small and quick project might be best, go to a gym. Keep them coming! What has helped you through grieving?

My priority is still to get my studio going but I have to be gentle with myself and also take care of important things around the house and Zora. But I need to make time for my art. Maybe once a week.

My little schedule at the moment is: Mo. and Tues. work construction at my mom’s with my brother. Wed. stay in Béziers to work on the computer and write letters and cards. Th. and Fri. my mom comes to my house and my studio to help me.

Do you also take pictures of crazy, wide loads that come across your path when you drive? Is the last picture I took near Béziers - taking Z. to school - part of a train?!

Keep loving each other! Peace,

Mélina